Tag Archives: Humour

How soon will the Euro implode?

UPDATE:- I said this the other day, too.

David Davis

About 12 years ago, or it may be 13, I bet a YEM* person £25 that the Euro, recently issued, would sink to UD$1.00 by that Christmas. It did fall, a bit: my prediction was only wrong in degree -  but I lost my bet and ponied up.

Now Peter Oborne thinks the project is at last about to come undone.

* “YEM” was the “Young European Movement”. God knows what’s happened to that.

Bank Holiday caption competition

David Davis

Teh funneh

David Davis

Go here and enjoy.

Wonderful-pun corner

Michael Winning

About Michael Foot I mean…

Obnoxio the Clown said something too about “one foot in the grave“.

Teh funneh

NewLabour surrogate mother of the day

Michael Winning

says I saw this on Man Widdecombe, its quite funneh…enough work today, and I fell in a ditch and a pig fell on me.

Good blog, just spotted

David Davis

Coldsteelrain, heart in right place, what more can a man want? I cannot tell exactly, but I suspect it is written by a soldier.

Here is one good observation for a start – and yes I am being provocative here. And I share his dislike of the unloveable, un-nice and smelly Piers Morgan. if “Britain’s got Talent” is some sort of show in the Wireless Tele Vision, and the man Morgan is involved, then I don’t think that ordinary functioning humans ought to have anything to do with it.

Shun him, for he likes Gordon Brown. There will have to be an “Independent Safeguarding Agency” register of such people, and the Police will have to phone us all when one of them moves in nearby, in case we object.

Hen parties

David Davis

I agree with Celia Walden on this one. The prevailing popular culture of course, under ZanuToryLieBorg, has forced ordinary people without much will-power, and of either sex, to have such events. They are invariably depressing, expensive and humiliating for the Principals.

My first wife and I, in 1973, decided to host a small dinner at a rather new and soul-less hotel in Winchester, for our parents and closest friends. (The hotel’s soullessness was not its fault.)

Thirty years later, my present wife and I decided to host a small dinner, a couple of days beforehand, at our flat in Battersea, for our closest friends, such as those who would be officiating closely on the Saturday, such as “witnessing”, or cooking the grub in the kitchen for everybody, and buttling, after we all shambled back from the Church round the corner. Most of our parents were then either dead, or geographically inaccessible such as my old-fella, who was birdwatching on the marshes round Antwerp, and thought that was more pressing.)

Liberal Classical education will destroy the need for these sad public-humiliation-events.

Missing him yet?

Michael Winning

Spotted this on Guido, http://minnesota.publicradio.org/collections/special/columns/news_cut/archive/2010/02/billboard_mystery_partly_revea.shtml?refid=0

The devil you know

The Hayekeo-Keynesian Rap

David Davis

I have to thank Tom Paine over at the Last Ditch who brought this droll little thing to my attention. Owing to strange and wonderful wireless-router-hiccups I have not been ablt to reach typepad blogs recently but it seems to be fixed now:-

I seem to be able to access my network again (for a bit…)

David Davis

If it falls over again, it’s probably the mesolithic router, which may have to go.

God help you all, if it stays working.


But what’s a homophobic nude teabagger, for f***’s sake?

Wind Turbines: someone’s noticed the deliberate mistake

David Davis

I spotted this here, and  thought the following (don’t all, please, get killed in the rush…)

There is intrinsically nothing wrong with the idea of people installing wind turbines on a small scale if they want to, and if some idiot’s prepared to go to the trouble of fabricating the monstrosities for them. The concept that the wind is (sort of) free for the taking is an old one, and successful nations have risen and prospered, such as the Dutch, by using the stuff on a large scale by pre-medieval standards.

But to pretend that the electric power requirements, at high Amperage all the time and everywhere, of a large First-World Economy, including stuff like Aluminium-smelting-works and steel-foundries, can be thus provided by such machines, is flim-flammery.

Private wind-turbines are toys. There is no need for them to have expensive electronic nonsense, designed for “load regulation” or whatever, if they are not connected to the Grid. The people who will want them will be rich: therefore they should be connected via old car-alternator-rectifiers (about 40 sets in parallel is a good start for safety reasons) to stacks of lead-acid scrap batteries in the cellar: about two tons of the same, say about 120 batteries, will do for an average 2kW turbine. Good new car batteries can be had for about £2 each at any local Soviet mobile home park for Travelling People.

No wind? No charge.

Wind? Charge.

You will be able to run an average _/House In Notting Hill/_ with five bedrooms, two kitchens with AGAs, nine laptops for the three children and five for the parents and nanny, plus the XBox and two “Wii” thingies, for at least four hours on a full charge of two tons of six-year old batteries.

Get some geek to build you a 12v=/230V^, DC/AC inverter using about 100 scrap power MosFets and transformers from old laptop adapters, and you are home and dry. Any amount of these can be had for under £1 each from your local computer repair shop, just like gunpowder was from your ironmonger in the 1950s. If the assembly catches fire, simply let him build you another one.

teh funneh

From Man Widdicombe.

Burn a banker?

But it is utterly obvious that this is a joke…

David Davis

If our God, who is a Unitary Trinity of Beings, can’t let us tell jokes about Him, and His Acts that it pleased Him to do whe he was a young-’un, and what the guys in the Pub thought of them, then what use  are we to Him as ambassadors? He is (they are) our Ossifer: we can scrag and rag Him/Them (but we will try to follow Him,  _/even/_ when He has a map and He Is Sure that He knows where we are, in the face of the Enemy…)

Humour drives out evil: DISCUSS.

He is of course all-powerful, omniscient and benevolent, as the great mathematician Gottfried Leibniz suggested, so it can’t matter that we cheek Him and take the piss out of Him. This is the real one-over that we have on all other versions of “God”…

We’ve really got, we Western liberals, the best possible God: if you think about it. The rest can eat cake.

This might just work

David Davis thinks that “Burkha Barbies” may help to erase cultural gulfs between the actual world as it is and as it functions, and, er, Moslem young girls in unicultural households.

I don’t know if they’re allowed to play with dolls: I would suspect not. But this might be a transitional effigy, which would help to doconstruct the notion that a top-down/prescriptive/pre-modern survival guide is a religion.

Religions belong to the world of the non-material. Like Christianity, they can often inform liberalist-behaviour. but as recommendations.

Elsewhere today

David Davis

Duties call. But feel free to stop in at the Nissen-Hut. Some of the duty typing-chimps may be waving paper about. (It’s in the brownfield site, behind the disused State-Bacon-substitute-Rationing Department Skyscraper, with the broken windows…)

Yet another animal that will NOT become extinct

David Davis

African Pygmy Hedgehogs apparently are the “latest fashion accessory for WAGS”. This is good news for Pygmy Hedgehogs, whose population will now increase.

They are probably less emotionally-demandng than dogs, may be easily housetrainable, and will require less socialising and exercising: all characteristics which will suit the modern celebrity lifestyle.

..and I won't even poo on The Ivy's tables...

Too close for comfort

Michael Wining

Seems like what they call “Bringing Government Closer To The People”:-

Credit crunch?

The government is on your side!

Thomas the Tank Engine “not politically correct”

David Davis

Well, how surprising.

And he agrees.

Even Teher Funni(eh)er

David Davis

Shamelessly lifted from a comment thread on Guido:-

Dave “Cast Iron Guarantee” Cameron says:

Have a bureaucratic bastard of a Christmas:

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash for Gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.

Teh funneh

David Davis

I didn’t know that the Religious Worshippers, currently infesting Copenhagen, were as normal as that.

If it wasn’t true, it’d be funny

David Davis

As Legiron said, you can’t even take the piss out of this one. I’d write something rational if I could, but I’m alternately laughing fit to bust, and frothing at the mouth.

This stuff here is not funny either. The more people are convinced that evil is being done to us on purpose, by Bad Man and Women, the better.

No surprise there

David Davis

Of course the smell of bacon is preferable to babies….why ever did they need to do the research?

And “freshly-baked bread?” Pull the other one, it’s got bells on – they only said that ‘coz they were in fear of the leftist lady-researcher. (They’re all lefties, trust me: they’d like to live in “a cottage”, and many in fact do.)

Bill Bailey and the Ger-Bills

Lots of us busy today

Keep looking in: one of the Chimpanzee Type Writers may come up with something and wave it at you if you poke a head round the Nissen-Hut-Door.

Thursday caption competition

Michale Winning

This is “Jools” Holland or something likethat, the wife of a chap called Jamie Oliver. She’s having !”a night out”, after having a baby. I think jamie Oliver is a cook in a chippy but here we don’t do stuff like that on the TV, we just eat.

And today, we’re going to show you how to prepare “Squashed-Hedgehog Terrine on a warm salad of Autumn Leaves drizzled in a JUS of reduced Badger-Blood”

David Davis

I just thought this was rather amusing. Well, it’s Friday.

Libertarian Alliance and Libertarian International Conference, London 24th-25th October 2009

David Davis

As and when we arrive at the event, outer-London-parking-controls and tribulations permitting, we shall attempt to “live blog” parts of this (whatever “live-blogging” might be: I hope someone will tell us!) We are armed with laptops which I guess is a requirement, and we assume that modern trendy venues like the National Liberal Club have some kind of internet connection…

Whats a “Jo-Brand”?

Michael Winning

I only ask because I want to know – as that man whatshisname said. it it something to do with branding or branding?

Oh, Ithink it was peter simple

Kill a cow and win a Metro

…or save the planet!

David Davis

I thought these guys, of whom I never have heard, sound amusing. As it is with all nasty, wicked and deliberate destroyers of humanity and freedom, it is time to laugh at the Enemy Class: as loudly and as profitably as possible, as that will annoy it, get it stamping about in a focussed and cruel way, and enrage the humourless buggers even more.

So we know where to Lay The Mines, then.

(Mines are good: “Princess” Diana was bad. Mines should merely not be permitted, on pain of anihilation, to specific people and States which oppose liberal Capitalist societies and individual liberty. They are thus like Nuclear Weapons. “Diana”  misunderstood the problem, probably on purpose, and therefore was deliberately answering the wrong question in view of the Enemy-Class-Media, which is now why we don’t have any mines available to us. All this will have to be the subject of another essay when I decide I am pleased to have the time.)

Look, there you go, this is what happens when….

…you let the Enemy Class tell people how to comport themselves in difficult situations, via the Wireless Tele Vision.

David Davis

And it was all about a mattress (what’s that?) not even _ABOUT OIL_  which we are told to slag off our own people about.

So it was not about oil, then?

So it was not about oil, then?

Or just perhpas she does not fancy him

Michael Winning.

Mrs Obaba didn’t hug or kiss poor old Mr Berlusconi. Shame on her. Perhaps they don’t like him in the Enemy Class because he got to have all the girls before the real game was exposed. Perhpas my master will call a caption competion, i know he likes those, the prizes are fore what Obama is thinking….

No Silvio, you have enough of us already on your yacht!

No Silvio, you have enough of us already on your yacht!

It’s not much cop if there isn’t an English Parliament in Westminster…

…AND if that parliament isn’t the only one there.

David Davis

I am laughingly called the Libertarian Alliance’s “Director of Northern Affairs”. It means that I live here, actually fairly near some of the things which this article calls “big northern cities”. We actually have quite a lot of those, and it is my job to pontificate, in Olympian fashion and rather futilely, about what goes on therein.

Cameron (for it is he who _may_ possibly win the next election, and sadly it will not be the LPUK although we could wish) knows that he has two tasks. Firstly to gain a very very large majority in places like Huyton and Easington, which is almost inconceivable, and secondly to deal with the ballot-box-stuffing which will take place in hundreds of very very small Labour marginals, not only in the North here but Faraway Cities Of Which I Know Little, like London, Cardiff, Bristol, Deal, Brighton and others.

The tragedy of Northern Cities, which you will experience if you drive or walk through a few some day, is their post-WW2-exposure to rampant AttleeGaitskelloButlerism, followed by DerekHattoNazism. All the money, basically, which might theoretically have gone to the “poor workers” under the hegemonic plan, was basically syphoned off by the bureauNazis. Some even bought Jaguars.

That’s it really. The Tories will have a tough job unstuffing the ballot-boxes in some wards here.

Perhaps when they come in the night to stuff the locked boxes, we may have to kill them.

I didn’t know that

David Davis

James May “to be demolished“…

And Nurses Are better Than You.

GramscoFabiaNazis are institutionally-not-funny, so they try terribly terribly terribly hard…

…to inject (what’s that?) “Razzmataz”…..er?

David Davis

I feel a caption competition coming on:-

He's had the jab...but I've had THREE!

He's had the jab...but I've had THREE!

It is not the function of Statesmen, while we are stuck with them up our arses, to inject “Razzmataz”. Not up our arses anyway, not like happy-laughing-boy on the left would.

It is their function to _Provide against Preventable Evils_ …and that is all, for the time being, until they are gone.

Bet you 50p, that the NUS does _not_ have a “Men’s Officer”

UPDATE! I have worked out what is going on. It is a BBC/Enemy-Class project to destroy the University of Buckingham. To me, images of the fire in the Reichstag come to mind.

For foreign readers in free nations such as China, Buckingham University is the only UK University which is not funded by the State (not even partly, so there!)

David Davis

I may say more about this later, if I can think of something suitably humorous.

If memory serves me still, one Don, who taught me quite a bit, I think said once over a good High-Table dinner, “one isn’t supposed to f*** the women students, but it does go on a bit now and then”.

Here’s the original Times Higher Ed Supp article, so you can see exactly where and why Prof Kealey’s remarks were deliberately taken out of context.

Nah. Somebody’s spray-painted it

Peter Davis

Sombody’s pranking people. Put in under the tap and it will go green or whatever:-

Bit of Humbrol and an airbrush, you can fix it

Bit of Humbrol and an airbrush, you can fix it

Soviet Onion

Fred Bloggs.

I just found this, and I thought you guys might enjoy it.

Libertarian Alliance caption competition…again…


Libertarian Alliance caption competition , er, number, er…..


This here is very very funny and I do not know what to make of it at all..

so I guess our reader had better read it and see for (him her it)self.

David Davis

I know – I’ll now refer to the reader as “the readroid”…that will fix the anti-sex-GramscoFabiaNazis …  oh, I’ve twigged…they don’t want people to have sex, ‘coz it’s nice. Only for them, not for “us”. Droit-du-Seigneur and all that semi-mythical crap – is that what they are thinking?

So how-they-gonna-create-enough-slaveproles then? After the Endarkenment has been brought about, and with the re-standardised pre-capitalist infant death rates and all that, to which we will go back forwards?

Libertarian Alliance joke of the day: crematoria and death-related matters

David Davis

Today, we idly passed the local crematorium, trundling in the Motor Carriage, as you do. There was a large notice advertising its “OPEN DAY”.

We then wondered whether, the service being private like many schools, one now has to “book a place”.

Libertarian Alliance joke for the day

David Davis


Why do KGB men go around in threes?

One can read, the second can write, and the third guy keeps a close eye on the two intellectuals.

Hat off to Samizdata for starting a Police-State-thread.

But we always knew this!

David Davis

USSR plans for “invading” Manchester….

Personally, I’d not have come in via the Trafford route: too many water obstacles, and stuff like that, and you’d have had to take Liverpool first although they’d probably just let you in and the minidressed scousettes would just ride along on your tanks.

If Manchester was what you needed, then much better to seize the heights south and southeast round Stockport and Hazelgrove, possibly using airborne assault with portable artillery and mortars, plus the ring of hills from Bolton, Bury and Rochdale. To do both, too, you could just drive up the M6.

Then you have the entire city at your mercy from bombardment. Forget the “urban guerrillas” – too busy watching the telly. And from there you could just starve the place out.

LA not in “top twenty” ….

….must try harder. Rub out, do again, and see me after 6.00pm.

David Davis

Teh funneh

Sometimes the drollest things happen.

...so...wassiss thingy then, eh?

...so...wassiss thingy then, eh?

At least there’s one MP human after all

David Davis

How does the bugger do it? Wish I’d had the secret years ago…

Libertarian Alliance Joke of the Day

Go and read it here!